All I want for Christmas is a 2×4

Today is Monday, December 24th. Tomorrow is Tuesday, December 25th. It ain’t nothing more than an unnecessary day off in the middle of the week. It would be fine and shit if I was getting paid, but my cheap-fuck boss is not in the business of doling out holiday pay to seasonal employees. I come to this pissant place every day and assemble office furniture in a warehouse that makes the Yukon Territory in January feel like the Bahamas. I’m not saying it’s cold but last week I caught a couple of cockroach’s ice skating in the toilet bowl. Yeah, wonderfuckingful work environment and all I got was a candy cane that shattered into a thousand pieces upon impact with my mouth. Fuck all of this Christmas shit.

So with my mood fouler than a carp lying out in the Arizona desert, I navigate through the cluster of clowns who are clogging the road doing their Christmas shit. “Get the fuck out of my way. I have a twelve pack calling out to me,” I yell to no one in particular. As I sit with my pickup idling at the busiest intersection in all of Reno the call is getting louder and louder. “Shut the hell up. I’m trying to get home as fast as I can.” The light turns green and no one is moving. “What the fuck. Green means get your ass in motion, fucktards.” After moving about twelve feet the asshole cement truck in front of me decides it’s in his best interests to play the caution card. “Run the fucking light!!!” I yell out to him. “Plow those motherfuckers into the ground.” As I wait for the light to turn green again, I am boiling more than a lobster at a clambake.

A few minutes later, which seems like a century, the light turns green and… no one is moving. Several cars have decided to block the intersection and the cement truck and everyone behind me have been planted in the concrete. Finally, as the light turns yellow, the cement truck throws in the towel and turns right, joining all of the other douchebags on their way to the mall. Fucking asshole! Why didn’t you do this before? Now I have to wait, AGAIN, for the light to turn green. Fuck all of this. If there’s anyone in my way when this light turns green I’m going to play weed wacker with my truck and dislodge these fucks from the earth. I’m going to break out my fucking chainsaw and disembowel every last shithead in Reno God damn it!!! Mother of living hell, this light has been longer than a lecture from my sixth grade teacher on the use of a good vocabulary. Okay, Mrs. Perkins. Here are a few choice words…

 

 

Will Rob really stampede his truck through Christmas traffic?

Yes

No  

 

 

 

By |2018-12-23T22:08:49+00:00December 24th, 2018|Rob|0 Comments

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