When I go fishing I don’t fiddle around with a school of minnows. When I’m on safari, I don’t go after rodents burrowing in a hole. Hell, no! I’m after blue marlin swimming in the Caribbean. I’m tracking down elephants on the savanna. I’m on the prowl for ancient antiquities in a forbidden cave in ancient Egypt. I’m… I’m… none of those things. I’ve never picked up a gun, let alone a water pistol to shoot my sister. I get claustrophobic in my closet, so, obviously, I have never ventured into a cave and I get seasick in the bathtub. Yet, despite all of those inadequacies in my life, I don’t fuck around looking for the common run-of-the-mill woman. I’m shooting for nines and tens and anything lower will just not suffice. Unfortunately, all I have been pulling of late is a big fat zero. Nothing, zilch, zilch. I am all alone and there’s nothing I can do. I think now is a good time to catalog all of my love songs I have created and produce the saddest album in the history of music.
But wait… what’s this? All this time I was wallowing in my misery I received a text from person or persons unknown asking me to be in a movie. I can see it now… “The Greatest Lover on Earth” starring yours truly and a plethora of the most beautiful stars in the galaxy, and every one of them making sensuous love to me. Where do I sign up? Unfortunately, after reading the entirety of the text, I was ready to delete this faster than a bible thumper running out of a strip club. “Horror movie!” I screamed out in, no pun intended… horror. My seven second fantasy was turned to dust and smashed into a protein drink for which a steroid-induced freak inhaled for breakfast. However, sometimes these stupid slasher movies have hot babes in them and maybe one of them would like to take a run at me, or, maybe, I can be the killer and pretend the hot chick I’m carving up is Stacy Mulliniks. Yeah, this sounds very enticing. Either that or this is a stupid gimmick to make me come downtown and make a fool of myself. The question is: Do I take a chance on maybe getting the girl of my dreams or wasting an afternoon?
Will Adam take part in the movie?
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