Well, Valentine’s Day has come and gone and, once again, Cupid missed me with his arrow. What a lousy shot! Of course, I don’t give a freaking shit about it. The schmaltziness and snappiness of Valentine’s Day nauseate me more than watching a grubby kid chowing down a plate of chili cheese fries. It’s so contrived and ridiculous. I mean, seriously, why do we need a day to celebrate the one you love. I may have been a college dropout, but if you are truly in love with someone shouldn’t every day be celebrated. Of course, none of this gooey Valentine’s Day sentimentalism applies to me. I have no one, and that is the fault of every man in this backward burgh I currently reside in.
Reno, Nevada… home to several thousand eligible bachelors and not one of them is worthy enough to sprinkle pixie dust on my toes. No!!! I’m not getting kinky. This is what my father used to tell when I was a sprite, spindly little girl. He assured me that someday my knight in shining armor would sweep me off my feet and sprinkle pixie dust all over me, signaling to the world that he had found his princess. Well, Dad, (enunciating every letter with a grimace) I’m still waiting for my knight. Unfortunately, all of the knights in this God forsaken town are rusted and should be discarded in the Black Rock Desert.
With the ridiculousness of this fabricated holiday out of the way, I can safely go back to the grocery store and not be inundated with a mountain of pink and a plethora of worthless flowers. Seriously, the only time I see more flowers is when somebody dies, and a lot of people treat Valentine’s Day like it’s life or death. I mean, seriously, get over it people. You weren’t depressed on June 18th of last year when you couldn’t get a date. It takes a stupid holiday made up by Hallmark to get you depressed. Stupidity is a pandemic that is sweeping the country and there is no cure. Hey losers, just do what I do… Laugh at the idiots trying to impress their significant other with a worthless gift and splurge on all the candy that’s marked down for the rest of the month. There… one less stupid thing not to worry about. You can pay me on your way out.
