January 1st circled on a calendar with "Make It Happen" written inside the calendar box.We have reached the halfway point of the first month of the new year and my resolution has already been flushed down the drain. Are you surprised? You shouldn’t be; my resolutions are usually vaporized by the time most people sober up from their New Year’s Eve drinking orgy. However, this year was supposed to be different. While I was spending New Year’s Eve by myself for the fourteenth year in a row, I vowed that the coming year was going to be different. Unfortunately, I broke it faster than a group of rowdy teenagers would a defenseless window pane on a dilapidated house. This is my sad, sordid tale of the opening stanza from this year. I’ll keep it short so I won’t cry on my laptop.

      It all seemed so simple when I watched the ball drop on New Year’s Eve—I was going to talk to more people in the coming year. Not via Facebook, Snapchat, or even by phone, I was going to engage in meaningful conversation the old-fashioned way. Yes, I was planning to sit down with someone, look straight into their eyes and not their belly button and talk to them. I was presented the opportunity to get off to a good start on New Year’s Day when the checkout girl at the grocery store asked if I did anything interesting the night before. I stammered, stumbled and finally mumbled something to my frozen pizza, which was sitting in a bag on the bottom of my cart. Seventeen hours into the New Year and I already felt like a failure… and it only got worse on the second day.

      When I returned to work after the Christmas holiday I told myself I was going to do everything in my power to talk to the UPS lady. Was she attractive? No! Was this a person I considered asking out? No!!! Nevertheless, any fragment of a conversation I had with this person could be used as a springboard to bigger and better things. I really don’t need to tell you what happened next. After I signed her handheld computer and a few inaudible grunts, the UPS lady handed me the package and scurried out of there faster than a mouse when the light comes on. Can you blame her? She knew she was about to fall into the black hole of awkwardness where there is no escape. While I watched her ugly brown truck pull out of the parking lot I already knew what my New Year’s resolution would be for 2019… not to make any.