Here are all of the people I’m shopping for this Christmas… (very long silence) and that includes you. It is during this time of year where I thank every star in the galaxy that I work from home. If I had to work in a place where tinsel was falling onto my keyboard, tripping over an assortment of broken down ornaments and watching the fossilized CFO corner every young girl under the Mistletoe, I would, seriously, slam my head into Santa’s sleigh, where the blood would be redder than Rudolph’s nose. I don’t care if this offends you because I don’t like you. I don’t like anyone and the sooner we can get rid of this wretched holiday the better.

Unfortunately I will have to partake in this madness for a few seconds this month. My mother, who knows I won’t come to her house when it’s festooned in garish colors, will drop by with a fruitcake I can sell to a contractor to use as a brick and a sweater so big it could conceal my identity from the onslaught of Christmas carolers who are guaranteed to reach 130 decibels when they start their alleged singing. Enough! Enough of this Christmas bullshit! Sorry, Mom, it’s not going to happen this year. Find someone else to shatter their teeth on your mortar shell and give my sweater to a homeless person to use as a tent. I’m not taking part this year. Oh, great!!! Now I’m getting a text from an unknown number. Sorry, I gave at the office. Oh wait! I don’t work in an office. Oh, lucky fucking me.

What the hell is this? Someone, or thing, is asking me to do a movie. Unless it’s a movie where I can obliterate a posse of elves or serve some strychnine to the neighborhood carolers I don’t want any part of it. Wait a minute… this is for a horror movie. Maybe, just maybe this will be something out of The Nightmare Before Christmas, and it will provide me with the opportunity to exact my revenge on Christmas. However, what if it’s not and I end up wasting my time going to this stupid thing. Should I take a chance, or fuck the whole thing?



Will Paige decide to be an extra in the movie?




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