One of my most hated days of the year is coming up this week…
Black Friday. I don’t know why it’s called Black Friday, other than the fact that people are bashing into each other at the mall looking for a pair of shoes or a new electronic device for their kid. For the life of me, I can’t believe people would wake up at the crack of dawn and herd themselves into a store like a drove of cattle. If the mere thought of this dreaded day didn’t elicit painful memories I would probably laugh about it. You can call Halloween a scary day until the cows come home—I have no idea where that expression came from, but I seem to use it all the time—but the scariest of them all falls the day after the world consumes copious amounts of tryptophan. My name is Tyler and I am about to enter the scariest—certainly not the merriest—time of year.
Yes, I am fully aware I don’t have to go to the mall on Black Friday. I realize no one is pointing a shotgun at my temple and forcing me out. Doesn’t matter, eventually, I will have to pass through the rusted arches of our towns archaic and decrepit mall, so the mere sight of these shopping hooligans will send shivers down my spine.
So why don’t I shop online? Hello, identity theft, although I can’t imagine anyone wanting to steal my identity.
So why don’t I forget all about the holiday season and eschew the mall? When you have a mother who streams guilt into your system faster than a lonely bachelor streaming online porn, you have no choice but to buy your entire family extravagant gifts. So you see I have no choice, Black Friday starts the countdown… I have one month to set aside my anxiety and enter the world of holiday merriment. I think I am going to get sick. Pass the Pepto. 🙁